I had a weird weekend. found out that more people couldn't come to my party, so i decided to cancel it. Then suddenly people started emailing saying that they were sorry that they hadn't emailed before...and were just about to...but by then it was too late.

I haven't had the new newsletter yet, but SPICE hits town is supposed to be at tiger tiger this month. I've been longing to go there ever since it opened...

I had a "discussion" about housing with aother spice friend. She told me that waiting until i had enough deposit for my own place meant that i would still be living with my mu, at 70 (of course she'd be dead by then...). I cried. I have no-one to turn to for advice like this, so i generally go on what feels right. Her solution was for me to go into council accomodation. To me, it isn't acceptable. I would never be able to afford my own place if i did that, and council accom is not my own place.

Then she started on about housing association places, and got very cross with my cynical view that the council are pushing this as an alternative to council accom purely for their benefit. Yeah well, it's a fairly intelligent point to make, i thought. But housing association accom isn't for me either, because you don't own it.

Then she thought that moving after 4-7 years was silly. I guess in the end i am unashamedly middle-class, and want to get on that property ladder, rather than getting something now and staying there for ever.

And i don't want that. I am middle-class. I want my own place, my very own (well mine and the building society's!), and i want to think about moving somewhere bigger on a few years. Room for cats and more books.

Oh, following Adorable reader Sam's advice. I emailed that chappy. I'm not sure about his reponse. I guess i wanted to email for a bit, because people do judge me on my size (both height and width!) and because i am afraid.

Not afraid of getting into a relationship, but of making him think i am interested and then i have a repeat of the toilet incident. Every time i see this guy i shy away, and cannot look him in the face. Which is ridiculous, since i in no way led him on, and it was he who followed me unbidden.

I should stare him straight in the eye, with all the contempt that i can muster (which is quite a lot on a good day). I know that he feels that he didn't do anything wrong, but i think that he did. And if i say that something is unacceptable he should be man enough to say ok and apologise.

You know what, i will screw my courage to the sticking point and stare him in the eyes unafraid next time i see him.

I will think of all those people who give me the courage to be strong and imagine them staring with me.

posted by small 5:18 PM