So, i went around to Lindsay's and helped paint her dining room. It was fun. I have never painted a room before and with four of us (Lindsay, Darren and their friend Dawn) we were able to do the first coat in an evening. I also found out that Linds is going to be doing a Maths degree with the OU next year. How cool is that? If i start my degree next year we would be studying together!

I had a slight run in with mum, it brought back a lot of memories that i try and suppress. She had bought me a cake, which i was going to take to lindsays. When i got home i found it out of it's box and on a plate covered in candles. So i took them off, because i simply couldn't cope with the childish connotations, and also i was drivign to Lindsays and need the cake to be better protected!

She got all cross, but now i am stronger. And i won't back down. I guess that i am finally getting my rebellious teen phase, some ten years late.

It was necessary.and i also know that she does this to remind me to make a great deal of her own birthday... and i am through with that now. I am through with worrying about whether i got her the right thing, or whether i am making enough fuss. It sounds heartless and bitter...

Before dad died, mum and dad came up to Sheffield for mums birthday (my sister was studying at sheffield). My sister and i had clubbed together to buy a statuette and when we got to the pub where we were going to have a meal we presented it to mum.

She didn't look happy. In fact she hadn't looked happy from the moment that i had been picked up, and then my sister.

One of us asked why. It was because we had decided to give it to her in person, rather than sending it down for her birthday (which i guess would have been 2 days before).

In fact she was so angry at us, that before the waitress came and took our order she walked out of the pub, leaving the statuette.

We waited, thinking that she had gone outside to calm down. but she didn't come back. Lucy (being mums favourite) went out side to find her. But mum had gone.

We three got in the car and drove around for about an hour trying to find her, but there was no sign.

Dad dropped us off home.

It transpired that she had just walked out, walked to the train station and took a train home.

She didn't want to see us because we hadn't done what she expected.

She didn't speak to me again until Dad got ill. Whenever i phoned she was pass it straight to Dad. I remember Dad comign to visit me before he got ill (and i guess this would have only been two months between this incident and when he went into hospital) and i asked him why mum didn't love me.

Now you make think that this withdrawing of parental love was a one off, but it wasn't.

I spent my childhood this way. Doing something "wrong", something insubstantial such as not saying Thank you quick enough, would result in being cut out. It meant that mum wouldn't speak, and woudl refuse to sit down to eat meals with us, or whoever had done wrong.

I grew up learning to quickly say thankyou, and to second guess moods.

Even now i interpret things that other people do as them not wanting to see me. I am aware of atmosphere and moods.

And i cannot believe in unconditional love because i don't know it.

posted by small 11:00 AM