I sent a long email to one of the people from sunday. I try to explain, without giving away too much. But i am slowly coming to the realisation that unless you've known me for a few years you won't appreciate the progress i've made.

He said about getting tired of me getting upset and leaving (although i only remember Sunday, because i don't count tiger tiger because that is only about me, not about other people treating me). I realised that that wasn't true friendship. Yes, straight-talking is beign true friends, but i also think that giving help and support after that straight talk is just as important a facet of real friendship. And one that i freely give.

I am lucky in that there are people out there who have known me for a while, and seen the changes that i have made and the progress that i have made. But i still get upset when i make new friends because they don't know me that well, and don't see how far i have come.

I already have to hide so much, and when i slip (as i do) and am then told that people get tired of it, it makes things so much worse. I consider myself lucky that i do have friends who see the difference in me, and that i found a group on women, on-line, who completely understand and do not judge at all, but just give support and strength (as i do in my turn). I remember this as positive.

Of course, it would be wonderful to have this same group of women to listen and to talk with irl.

Now, i regret sending the email, because i cannot remember what was in it...or whether it sounded too vituperative and not apologetic enough. Oh for the day when i can remember.

Then again, i must remember about real and true friendship. I have managed to make new friends, i can do it again. And i will take what i have learned from this experience. IE Don't get too close!

I know i take things too personally, but knowing it and actually working on correcting that is terribly difficult.

posted by small 4:24 PM