The only problem with buying all the Christmas presents now is that I am rather low on money. But i guess it's better to be low on money now, than be stressed over Christmas. Too much of my money is going to pay off debts, i will be so glad when they are gone.

Mum rang last night, she wants to go to the theatre over xmas. I feel slightly bad at saying no, but i just don't want to go. I didn't want to go last Christmas, and i was made to feel bad. I didn't enjoy the show, i thought it wasn't very good. Yes i know i should be grateful etc etc, but i just can't be that way.

I can't really tell many people how i feel, Joolz doesn't really understand that i don't talk to mum. She only sees the mum that is smiling and kind. She didn't grow up with the mum who ignored or just walked out on us. All those things that i never wrote about in 1998 and 1999. I didn't know how to write, as i often said to my dad, why didn't she love me.

Now with Dad's death everything has changed. She calls me "dear heart" and "love", but all that i can remember is her calling me "barrel" as a child, and constantly tell me i was selfish, and having to to remember to say thank you immediately she gave me something. My sister and I would hide upstairs and watch in case she was "in a mood". If she was, we knew to keep out of the way, otherwise we would get shouted and screamed at for the least thing.

My sister chooses to simply put it all in the past. But then she lives in Cambridge with her boyfriend, so it is different.

I don't know whether i can forgive. It has taken me this long to learn to speak even just a little about it.

When i stare in the mirror i don't see myself at all. I see my mother staring back, and it's as if i am just a cardboard cutout, not a real person at all. Whenever anyone sees me, they simply say how much i look and sound like her. As if i don't exist, i am just her.

And i don't want that. I want to be me, and get the things i want and need.

And i guess this is why i am changing my life. So that i can be me finally.

posted by small 4:10 PM